Bottle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Johne home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't you believe me???!!!"

The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, more...

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.
Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish".
So the mexican says - "ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy".
The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon!

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard more...

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish".So the mexican says - "ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy".The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon!

16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo.

15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of' full moon.'

14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's.

13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery.

12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff.

11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks.

10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay.

9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?!

8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff.

7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull.

6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week.

5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd.

4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.

3> more...

Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.
Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail....the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped.
Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously.
Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!" The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father more...