Bring Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Friend..... I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been very good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your
tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all
come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the
11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 5th of more...

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every more...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back more...

An old cowhand working on a ranch in Wyoming wants to go to the city.
In Chicago he gets off the bus and marvels at the city. It is more than he had imagined. He walks around for a while and sees a bar that reminds him of the bars in Sheridan. He walks in and feels at home and buys a beer. But it's early in the day, and he is alone so he sits and wishes he had someone to talk to. Soon an attractive woman comes in and sits down. He has watched TV and knows you should buy an attractive woman a drink if you want to talk to her. So he has the bartender bring her a drink with his compliments. She nods in appreciation. He has watched TV and knows now he should go sit by her and talk to her. So he does.
As he starts the conversation, she warns him, "I think you should know before you spend money on me that I'm a lesbian."
"I don't really know what that is," he replies. "A lesbian," says the woman, "is a person who would rather kiss a woman more...

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

What kind of music more...

(This is one that was told to me by an American when I was in Germany, 30 years ago)

This man had a great pain in his tummy, so he decided to go and see his Doctor.
The Doctor examined the man's stomach and proclaimed that he had a huge worm therein. It was a monster of a worm!
The Doctor told the man that there was only one way in which to get rid of it, and asked him to come back the next evening at 5 pm and to bring a banana, a hammer and a cookie when he comes.
The man exclaimed, "A banana, a hammer and a cookie?" and the doctor replied, "Yes, a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The man went away puzzled and came at 5pm the next day with a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The Doctor took the man into his surgery and asked him to take off his pants and to bend over. He then unpeeled the banana and shoved it up the man's arse and beat it right in with the hammer, started a stop-watch and exactly five minutes later he shoved the cookie up more...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked more...