Case Jokes / Recent Jokes

You might be a redneck if...
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You've given your gun a woman's name.
Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
You go to the post office to research your family tree.
You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.
You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
Your mother is hairier than your father.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
Your grandma can bench press a
truck axle.
You watch "The Dukes Of more...

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4: 30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me more...

Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...

you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...

you don't drink water, you drink H2O.

you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.

you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.

you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.

instead of writing ozone you write O3.

you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.

you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.

you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor/sex therapist named Dr.Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you craw real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you craw real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch more...

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." she leaned forword. "Mr. Peterson, are you an' honest' lawyer"?

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me 15, 000$ for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case".

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that"?

The lawyer squirmed in his sit and admitted, "He sued me for the money".