Cause Jokes / Recent Jokes

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong more...

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking,' cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light,' cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican more...

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with is new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off get the hell off now' cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train' cause we are leaving."
The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom, and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride more...

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
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WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the more...

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think more...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm' older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered....
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your more...

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.