Child Jokes

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to more...

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with
Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says
that,
it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they`re intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister,
please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father
has a
child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It`s me, Sir! "
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up
and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr.
President. Thanks a lot. I`ll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon
returning to Washington, decides he`d better put the Condoleeza more...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
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The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: more...