Clock Jokes / Recent Jokes

Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
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1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp more...

Public service announcements around the world. USA: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?" Italy: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your husband is?" France: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your wife is?" Poland: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?"

Bill Clinton calls his secretary in to his office and says, "Would you like to see my clock?" His secretary looks confused and says,
"What?"
"C'mon," says Bill, "it's a yes or no question."
Okay?" says the secretary. Bill then yanks his pants down, exposing his knob.
"That isn't a clock," says his secretary,"it's a cock."
To which Bill replies, "Put a face and two hands on it and it's a clock."

Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest got away with minor injuries

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon
passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today,
why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they
come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy more...

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.
Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.
"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.
"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other line said, "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, more...