Cloth Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nund asked the other.
"I don't know," the second replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pinkus Fucktus.'"

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with more...

Did you know that waving red cloth in front does not make any bull angry?
It is the cow which usually gets angree like this.
The bull gets pissed off at the thought that you are waving red cloth at him thinking that he is a cow!

A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version)'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion more...

****How To Shower Like a Woman****
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the hower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off hower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of more...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites
him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with
interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry
in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take
that cloth robe and wooden staff.”The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabby.”St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you
preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”