Color Jokes / Recent Jokes
POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting more...
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?" Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do more...
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
There's a lovely young woman in New Zealand who is getting her house redecorated. She is walking around the house with the builder, telling him what colors she is thinking of painting the walls.
They go firstly into the dining room, and she says that she'd like it painted a nice lilac color. The builder nods, before yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
They then move into the kitchen. The woman says she was thinking of a pale blue for this room. The builder nods, before again yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
They then continue into one of the bedrooms, and the woman says she wanted this one a yellow color. The builder nods once again, then yells out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman then finally turns to him with a puzzled expression, and says "Look, I have to ask. No matter what color I ask for, you yell out the window 'Green side up', what's going on?"
"Oh don't worry about that" says the builder more...
A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."She says, "What color?"He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in more...
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Food that have the same color more...