Conductor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and more...

A group from engineering and a group from marketing at a company decided to attend a conference together. They all needed to take a train to their destination. Each of the marketing people bought a ticket. All of the engineers got together and bought one ticket. The marketing people were convinced that the engineers would get thrown off the train. When the conductor came arround, all the engineers piled into the bathroom. The conductor knocked on the door asking for tickets, and they slid the one ticket out under the door, and the conductor continued on his way. On the way home, the marketing people figured they would use the same routine and purchased one ticket. The engineers did not purchase any tickets. The marketing people were again stunned. On the train, one of the engineers said here comes the conductor, and the marketing people quickly piled into the bathroom. One of the engineers walked up, knocked on the door, and announced he was the conductor, and the marketing group slid more...

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!""No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion."Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the more...

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1: 30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members.
He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1: 30 train to London.

I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch
of viola jokes.
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both ** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The more...

6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a more...