Couch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But Im not allowed up on the couch!

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko
bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just more...

A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"

Everyone: "Dude, I'm in town for the weekend with no plan and no money. Can I stay on your couch?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Go fuck yourself."

Me, because I can’t say "no": "I guess so."

[The next morning...]

Everyone: "So, like, what are you doing today?"

Me, if I had any balls: "Doing what I would have done if you weren't here!"

Me, because I'm a nice person: "Babysitting you-I mean, let's do something?"

Everyone: "Hey, can I use your computer to check my email?"

[The next night...]

Everyone: "So, I called my friend, and he's not around... um... do you think... um... I can stay like another night?"

Me, if I had any balls: "You're a douche and your mama didn't raise you right."

Me: "I guess so."

Everyone: "Thanks, man. Oh, by the way, you're like low on more...

one day a girl saw 2 teens on abench having sex and she asked her mom what they were doing and she said making cakes.
the girl then said to her mom i saw you and daddy making cakes on the couch today.
the mom says in reply how do you know?
the girl says cause i licked the icing off the couch.

The year is 1996. By this time, the American Government's policy of
Social Welfare has been extended to require that any married couple who
has not had a child within the first five years of marriage, must
receive the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means
of the wife becoming a mother.
There are no children in the family of this particular story: much to the
sorrow of the husband, and it is the morning of their fifth wedding
anniversary.
Husband - Well, goodbye, dear, I'm off to the office. I suppose the
government man will be here shortly, computer-printed address and all.
He leaves with his head bowed. The wife pretties herself and powders her
nose just as the doorbell rings. She is expecting the government man, but
instead her caller is a baby photographer who has come to see if he could
interest her in some baby pictures. The following conversation ensues:
Lady: Oh, Good Morning.
Man: How do you more...

Thought I'd try my luck
Leaping from couch to dresser.
You did not see that.

Or,

Thought I'd try my luck
Leaping from couch to dresser.
God, that fucking hurt.

All I have to do,
Is lay and show my tummy.
Putty in my paws.

Sorry, don't know why;
Must run at mach three til morn.
Run run run run run.

Catnip, finest bud -
Makes me swing at my sister.
Can't handle my high.

Snarling, giant beast
Cowers at my deadly claws.
Hmph! Dogs! Such pansies!

It's not my fault, see -
The plant wants me to eat it.
"I dare you," it said!

She can't see me. Soon
I shall pounce her wee brains out!
Wait for it...and NOW!

Watch this - I chirp, and
He picks me up without fail.
I trained him GREAT, huh?

Dude, haikus are fun!
Especially ones about
Tino and Mena.