Cutting Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a blonde little girl who decides to see what her family is doing.So she goes upstairs to her sisters room. She is saying bitches and dicks the little girls asks"What does that mean" and the sister says Ladies and Gentlemen. SHe goes to her bro who is saying pusseys and penis. The little girl asks what does that mean, he says um, unbrellas and raincoats. Then she goes to he dad who then says shit the girl says what does that mean. He says it means shaving like I am doing now. Then she goes to her mom who is cutting a turkey then says fuck, the girls says whay does that mean, she says cutting. The door ring and she answers it. It is her grandparents. The little girl then says Hello bitches and dick may i grab your pusseys and penis my dads up stairs shitting himself and my moms in the kitchen fucking a turkey.

A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, “You need to take off your headphones. ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, “You really have to take off your headphones. ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, “Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones! ”
Blonde: “I can’t, I’ll just die! ”
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde’s headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. “Breathe In… Breathe Out… Breathe In… Breathe Out…”

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about various chaiin saws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...

A Rabbi was running late for a golf game and was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The following day, his secretary said to him, "Rabbi, there are several members of the congregation who are very upset with you for cutting them a little short yesterday."
A man who was sitting in the reception room heard this and immediately jumped up and ran out of the room.
"Who was that man?" the Rabbi asked his secretary.
"Oh, that was Mr. Konrad," answered the secretary. "He was here to speak with you about a circumcision for his son."

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest... the grass was very thickand long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approachedthe Father for payment and the priest paid him $1. 00. The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"The priest replied, "What did you say?" The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and
happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.“No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either.”