Cutting Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a more...

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one more...

Kanye West. .. We haven't seen this much of one man cutting into somebody since O.J. Simpson!

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."

A lumberjack had raised his only son & had managed to finance the young man's college education by the only way he knew how, cutting down trees, by hand. The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college. When the son started college he promised himself the first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man's life easier. The son saved & scrimped & finally had enough money to purchase the finest chain saw in the world. On a school vacation the son asks his dad how many trees could he cut down in one day. The father a large husky man thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave the father the brand new chain saw & said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and only work half as hard. The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world. The young man left for school the next morning & wasn't able to return more...

There was a little girl she didn't know any bad words.
the mom was cutting the turkey and she cut herself, she said "fuck". the little girl says "mommy, what's' fuck'?" it's another word for cutting the turkey.
so the dad was shaving in the corner and he dropped his razor and said "shit". The little girl said "daddy what's' shit'?" And the dad replied "it's another word for shaving"
so the mom and dad were fighting. the mom says "you bastard" the little girl says "mommy what's a' bastard'" it's another word for a man. the dad replied "you bitch" and the little girl asked "daddy what's a' bitch'?" it's another word for' woman'.
so some guests arrived and the little girl says "hey you bitches and bastards mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and dad's in the corner shitting"
moral: tell the truth

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he' d give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said,' This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine more...