Dead Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too."The man, more...
A man rings his local newspaper so he can place an obituary for his recently deceased wife.
He only has
Examples of unclear writing. Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Local Welfare Department from applicants.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing, is dead.
This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illeterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this more...
A man took his dog to the Vet. He said, "Dr,, I think my dog is dead."
The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him.
The Vet said "Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars."
The man said, "$500 and 35 dollars! What for?"
The Vet said, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and more...
Why did the first Koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first.
Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?
It thought suicide was in.
Why did the fourth Koala fall out of the tree?
It had a grand piano tied to it's foot.
Why did the fifth Koala fall out of the tree?
It was hit by the piano stool.
Why did the Kangaroo drop dead?
It was hit by 5 Koalas and a grand piano.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead
lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.