Detector Jokes / Recent Jokes

The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic more...

The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but more...

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

One day John came home with an unusual purchase. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5: 30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.' Why are you late? Where have you been?' asked his mum, Katie., Tommy answered,' Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project.' The robot then walked up to Tommy and slapped him.,
'Son,' said John,' this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'' We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.' What did you watch?' asked Katie.' The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. Again robot went around to Tommy and slapped him.
With his lips quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,' I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called' Sex Queen.'' I am ashamed of you son,' said John.' When I was your age, I never lied to my parents' The robot then walked around to John and delivered more...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, more...