Devil Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found more...

There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy, a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing.
"Italian guy, you can't have any pizza. Bum, you can never shag money again. Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man."
So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of more...

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer,' 'I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,' 'So, what's the catch?''

After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the' lawyers' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that more...

On his death and his arrival in hell, the devil is showing his newest arrival around and tells him he will have a choice of rooms in which to pass away the time in hell. The first room the devil take him in to is boiling hot, with flames lapping the walls and engulfing the floor and the people in there look none too happy.
He passes on this room and they move on to the next room. Inside it is freezing cold, icicles hang from the ceiling and the people inside have all turned blue with cold.
The guy passes on this room too, and is starting to feel a little concerned about his fate. However, on entering the next room he sees dozens of people sitting at tables sipping cups of tea. The only downside is that there is knee deep shit on the floor. The man considers this for a moment, turns to the devil and says "It's a bit smelly, but I think I can bear standing in shit for eternity."
The devil smiles, shows him to a seat and disappears.
The man takes a seat, more...