Die Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his more...
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many cars will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)
3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway Code
11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without more...
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 2115. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies more...
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: Oh yeah? How soon??
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
WOMAN: You remind me of the sea.
MAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN: NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You more...
1. Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
4. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
5. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i. e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain more...