Died Jokes / Recent Jokes
Gentlemen:I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left more...
Poor Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. Zeke said, "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."
3 guyz get captured by canibals and the canibals took the 3 guyz 2 the king canibal deep within a forest. The king canibal says,"we will not eat you guyz on one condition, if each of you can get 10 of the same fruits and stick them up your butt hole without making any facial expression, we will let you live." So the 3 guyz went out into the forest to find fruits. The first guy came back with 10 apples and came back to the king. He started sticking the apples up his but, 1, 2, 3, one pops out and he yelled,"ouch! So they ate him and he died. The second guy came back with grapes, he started sticking them up his butt, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... he laughed. so he got eaten and died. The 2 guyz met in heaven and the first guy says,"hey u almost had it why did u laugh? The second guy says," HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, because i saw the second guy coming with pinapples!!!
Andy:- Please note the GCSE's are public exams taken by 13 year olds in UK
This is an indication of the wonderful future that awaits the UK... the level of answers in GCSE exams!
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly more...
Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
"Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie.
"That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
An elderly man was in need of a heart transplant and his doctor was discussing his options with him.
"We have three possible donors, Mr. Smith." the doctor said. "You'll have to tell me which one you'd like us to use. The first is a healthy athlete who was killed in a car crash. The second is a middle-aged businessman who died in an accident, never having had a drink and never having smoked his entire life. The third is a lawyer who died after practicing law for 25 years."
The patient thought it over and told his doctor that he would take the lawyer's heart.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient his reason for choosing the donor he did.
"It was an easy decision, doctor," replied the patient. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."