Document Jokes / Recent Jokes

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical SupportQ: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

The Court of King George IIILondon, EnglandJuly 10, 1776Mr. Thomas Jeffersonc/o The Continental CongressPhiladelphia, PennsylvaniaDear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us more...

1. THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document the comes out of it.

2. FAKE MOUSE: a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. as the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter "yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs."

3. AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly.

4. TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone's computer, whispers "psst! Hey Bob!" at random intervals.

5. SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used.

6. RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what they are doing at the time.

7. TRACER: This program will generate messages such more...

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. more...

The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
Pick it up and shake it
How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and shake it
What's the short cut for Undo?
Pick it up and shake it
How do I create a New Document window?
Pick it up and shake it
How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
Pick it up and shake it
What is the proper procedure for rebooting my more...

The Office of Institutional Computing has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Year 2000 issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: Y2K problems No technical glitches, keeping work from being done. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and shake it

What's the short cut for Undo?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I create a New Document window?
Pick it up and shake it

How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
Pick it up and shake more...

This is serious... a "WORK" virus is on the loose...

If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT! The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your shit... I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. more...