Drunk Jokes / Recent Jokes
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy more...
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4.' 'But I paid, don't you remember?'' says the customer.' 'Okay,'' says the bartender,' 'if you said you paid, you did.'' The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies,' 'If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.'' Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says,' 'You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.''' 'Don't bother me with your troubles,'' the final patron responds.' 'Just give me my change and I'll be more...
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, ”Hey, I’ll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you! ”
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ”YOU’RE ON! ”
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ”WOW, ” screamed the 2nd guy, ”That was incredible. Do it again! ”
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ”That is remarkable. Do it one more time! ”
”Ok, ” said the first guy, ”But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it. ”
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ”Your turn, ” he said.
So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. more...