Earth Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time.
God agreed, and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, more...

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In 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to invent
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The Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year
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The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle
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Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name
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On average, a person has two million sweat glands
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Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
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Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
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Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
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The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples
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97% of the earth's water is undrinkable
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The Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on it
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All babies are color blind when they are more...

Satan tells them "Whoever can do the most horrible deed can go up to Heaven. But you must drink from this fountain to get back on Earth." So the first guy drinks from the fountain, goes to Earth and kills somebody. He comes back and tells Satan. The second man drinks from the fountain, goes to Earth and robs an orphanage. He goes back to Satan and tells him what he's done. Finally, Satan points to the third man and says "You may go to Heaven." The first man and the second man are both outraged. "How could you get any worse than what we did?" "Easy" said the third man, "I pissed in the fountain."

If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although more...

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: more...

During an interplanetary social-exchange visit, a Meklar couple suggested to the guest earthling couple that they swap wives for the night. When one pair were alone and the Meklar male had stripped, the earth woman noticed that his penis was very tiny. But he proceeded to twirl a finger in one ear, which caused his organ to lengthen considerably, and then he stuck his finger in his other ear and his cock got wider and wider.
The next night, the earth woman asked her husband how his session went. "Not so well," he replied, "Not only did that Meklar woman have the biggest pussy I've ever seen; she kept distracting me by tickling my ears like crazy

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
The moon is a planet just like the earth, more...