Elderly Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like ayoung girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man andasks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says." 90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"A few minutes later, Timmy returned."Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?""She's fine, except that she's angry at you.""At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?""She said' It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is more...

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one.
Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."
The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"
"And is he a professional?" demanded the second.
"Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And notonly that, he's gay."
Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well."
This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained.
"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most more...

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad more...

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their classOLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringingOLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state - of maximum entropyOLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get puncturedOLD TRASH never dies, they just bury itOLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identitiesOLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new PeterbiltOLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on NickelodeonOLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become patheticOLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - umpires as in Australian Rules FootballOLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsiveOLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come backOLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering