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M&M's: The Theory of Evolution

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species more...

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer. The bartender approached and said, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer. The bartender again told him, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, very angry now, said, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. ” The bartender once again said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana. ” The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs. ” The bear said, ” I’m not on drugs. ” The bartender said, “Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate. ”

One of Microsoft's tech support reps was drafted and sent to
boot camp. at the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The
report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the
target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the
target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel
and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your
end!"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen. ” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too, ” the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. “Damn it! ” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country! ” “Nope, ” the bartender replied. “Horse country! ”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks:"What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!""Not a chance!", replies the barkeep." Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here? "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator." In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there. Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at LawA countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.. .. Benjamin Franklin. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come more...

A senior gas company training supervisor and a
young trainee were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at
the
end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end.
At the last house, a woman in her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas
meter. Having finished the meter checks, the
supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a
foot race down the alley
back to the truck -- just to prove that an older
guy could outrun a younger one.
As they at last came running up to the truck,
they forgot to check who had won since they both
realized the lady from that last house was
huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped immediately and asked her what was
wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two
man from the gas company running away from my
house as hard as you two were, I figured I'd
better run more...