End Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse more...

At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. How did your trunk get so neat? she asked her messy daughter. It was easy, said Julie. I just never unpacked!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked." Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.""I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.""The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1. 37.""Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open more...

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 [I don't know what version the author was referring to] words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more more...

A man walks into a bar and says,' 'Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.'' Bartender says,' 'You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?'' The guy says,' 'Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here.''

He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks,' 'You mean to say, he can drink that much?''' 'Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,'' the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.' 'That's amazing!'' says the bartender.' 'What else can he do? Can he walk?'' The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says,' 'Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.'' The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.' 'That's amazing!'' he says.' 'What else can he do? Does he talk?'' The more...