Excerpts Jokes / Recent Jokes
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Were you alone or by yourself? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. more...
These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers: The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. An example of animal more...
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsThe toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my more...
The Dog's Diary:
Day number 180
8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8: 00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9: 40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10: 30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11: 30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12: 00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4: 00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5: 00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5: 30 PM - more...
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Included Late Night humor
A failing Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the United States. All of our big companies may have to move back.
OJ UPDATE: In light of damaging testimony given by Ron Shipp, Simpson's "Dream Team" will now be referred to as the "Dream Interpretation Team". Shipp added that his cousin Johnnie Cochran's dream finally came true. Robert Shapiro finally sat down and shut up.
Defense lawers referred to OJ as the embodiment of the "American Dream." Of coarse, they've also referred to sulferic acid as "America's Favorite Thirst Quencher".
They're going to re-release OJ's movie and re-name it "Naked Gun 33 1/3 to Life". The Fox movie about OJ wasn't very up to date. It had him saying he was inside the house sleeping when the crime was comitted. Where have they been? That was like two alibi's ago.
And finally, in other news - more...