Executive Jokes / Recent Jokes
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application. As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held." I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the lady. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Well, " says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996
*/
#include "stdio.h"
#include "dos.h"
#include "conio.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY'
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
Bill
"
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(! CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ more...
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
'It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth', said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,' It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone'.
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be' minimal'. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by' Q4 1999 at latest', according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had' willingly and enthusiastically' accepted a position as a more...
"My sex life has improved immeasurably since my wife and I got twin beds," the business executive confided to an associate.
"How can that be?" the associate asked.
"Well," replied the exec, "hers is in Connecticut and mine's in Manhattan."