Expect Jokes / Recent Jokes
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied." Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules... any comments?" His new bride matter of factly says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!"
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the
auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular
class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor
was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in
the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students
saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that
they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that
had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a
number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die
down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you
know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the
test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table
before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the
creature associated more...
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, more...
41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is more...
Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...