Expensive Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering.""Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.""My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!""Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Edgar decided that an appropriate Christmas gift for his wife would be a bottle of perfume.. Nothing too expensive or overstated mind, just something simple and discrete.
So he went to a local store and located the cosmetics department.
"I would like to buy some perfume for my wife." he told the shop assistant.
"Certainly sir." she replied. "Do you have anything particular in mind?"
"Not really." he said "but nothing very expensive."
"I understand sir. Well, what about this one?"
"How much does it cost?"
"This one is sixty pounds sir
"That's too expensive for me." he replied immediately.
"Very well sir. How about this?"
"What's the price? he asked.
"Forty pounds sir."
"What else have you got?" he enquired.
"Well, there's this small bottle at twenty pounds."
"Look here." he more...

Why do baby chicks say "cheap, cheap, cheap?" Because they can't say "expensive, expensive, expensive!"

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and more...

An old woman is riding in an elevator, when a young, attractive woman, smelling of expensive perfume, gets into the elevator.
She turns to the old woman and arrogantly says, "Romance - Ralph Lauren, $125 an ounce!"
Then, another young, attractive woman, also smelling of expensive perfume, gets on the elevator. She turns to the old woman and arrogantly says, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
Upon reaching her destination a couple of floors later, the old woman is preparing to exit the elevator. Before leaving, she looks both attractive women in the eye, turns, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be more...

MICROSOFT:' If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.'

GENERAL MOTORS:' Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on.

2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too.

3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. more...