Expensive Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there`s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn`t believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a more...

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? Well! !!
Here are a few things that Autoweek brought to our attention to compare.
This is what it costs to buy a gallon of...
Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1. 29 equals $10. 32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1. 19 equals $ 9. 52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz for $1. 59 equals $ 10. 17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1. 25 equals $ 10. 00 per gallon
Quart of milk 16 oz for $1. 59 equals $ 6. 32 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3. 15 equals $ 33. 60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz for $8. 35 equals $ 178. 13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3. 85 equals $123. 20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1. 39 equals $254. 17 per gallon
Scope 1. 5oz for $0. 99 equals $ 84. 84 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1. 49 equals $ 21. 19 per gallon... $21. 19 FOR WATER! !
You get the idea?? So next time you're at the gas pump, be glad your vehicle more...

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the wauter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs... "A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit inyour pants more...

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you more...

Rising gas prices have caused the following event:
The wife comes home and says, "It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight."
The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.