Eyes Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were more...

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade more...

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
Bulls are color blind.
A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people.
Emus can't walk backwards.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of bears is called a sleuth.
Twelve or more cows is called a flink.
A baby oyster is called a spat.
Some fleas have split penises like a Y shape
An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years
Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.
The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with more...

On the first day of the tenth month of the Islamic lunar calendar, Muslims celebrate the end of Ramadan, the month of fasting. This is one of two holidays celebrated throughout the Islamic world. Also known as Eid ul Fitr, Idu'l Fitar, Seker Bayram (Turkey), and Hari Raya Puasa (Southeast Asia). A DIETER'S CHRISTMAS
' Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should more...

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...
"Clean my house..."

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac more...