Eyes Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?" ""That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?" That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the more...

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot.
The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.
The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him.
The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.
With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.
It reaches down... picks the man up more...

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try. The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going more...

A father and his little boy went to church. The sermon was on the long
side and the boy fell asleep.
This particular priest hated people going to sleep during his sermons.
When ever someone appeared to be sleeping the priest would ask them a
question to make sure they were paying attention.
When the priest noticed the boy sleeping, he went over and asked the boy
"Who is the ruler of the world?"
The boy's father jabbed the boy with a pen to wake him up. The boy felt
the jab, opened his eyes and exclaimed "God!".
The priest said correct, and continued on with his sermon. Sure enough
the boy fell back asleep. This time the priest asked "Who is the Son of
God?"
Again the father jabbed the boy with a pen, and he opened his eyes and
said "Jesus Christ!". The priest thanked the boy and continued on with his
sermon.
When the boy fell asleep the third time, the priest, livid with anger more...

I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!

One day a proud mother entered the record compagny. "My daughter is a real Popstar! She sings just like Withney Houston."
The manager replied: "I can hardly believe that".
"But I brought a tape, you listen to that!", urged the mother. She handed over her tape.
The manager put in his tape-deck. A golden voice filled the room and the manager closed his eyes and enjoyed the singing. When the song was finished, he opened his eyes and said: "But that was Withney Houston!"
"Yes, and my daughter sings just like that."