Face Jokes / Recent Jokes
The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.
The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her."
The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"
The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. more...
I'm hungry:
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes more...
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. Heputs his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at hismother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hardon the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into theliving room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps himon the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boygoes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." Sheslaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says"Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his headand says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutesand I already hate you black people".
One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your more...
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said,' Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!' The wrestler nodded in agreement.
The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat more...
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case." Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in more...