Fact Jokes / Recent Jokes

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief.
Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, more...

EAST BERNARD, TX (DWPI) -- Local barber Merton Storch revealed today that he can believe that the margarine spread "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" is not, in fact, butter. "I think it's obvious," said Storch.
"Butter is a creamy spread, while this crap is more like a space-age polymer." A spokesperson from Lilton Foods, responded by saying, "Well, I know *I* can't believe it's not butter." This is not the first time Storch has made a public food-related statement. In 1994, he held a press conference to announce he thought everything wasn't, in fact, "better with Blue Bonnet on it," and even demonstrated using food items such as ice cream, Jell-O, and what appeared to be a large squid.
Reported by Rob Winchell
The Daily Weekly

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you more...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."The woman below responded, "You must be in management.""I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well," said the woman, "you don't know more...

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more more...

The famous question... "Why did the chicken cross the road ?" when put
before a few Indians... this is what they had to say...
"Why did the chicken cross the road ?"
Azhar:-
"I am totally innocent, you know, I am unnecessarily being dragged into
this, you know... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you
now...."
Devegowda:-
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later
!!... mm... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Laloo:-
"The fact, that the chicken crossed the road, means that, there is one
chicken missing from my poultry !!!"
George Fernandes:-
"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean
years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car leave alone a
chicken !!!"
Mulayam:-
"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class,! so that
they can cross the road freely without their motives being more...