Farm Jokes / Recent Jokes

I LEAVE:To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.And lastlyTo the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow... We have a bull!"

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly."Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked."Yeth." lisped the farmer.Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor replied, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

Rocky the rooster was the biggest, meanest rooster you ever saw.
He spent his time beating the crap out of all the animals in the farm yard.
One day he picked on the farm cat, but the cat turned around and beat Rocky to a pulp.
The moral of the story....
No matter how big the cock is, the pussy can always take it !!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her more...

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know
this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm
sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female
horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith
looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the
earth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse's ass, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like
to see her run!"