Female Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick.

Guys: The next time you want a gal to trust you, just hug her. For at least twenty seconds.

Gals: Sorry, this trick doesn't work on guys.

According to a recent article in the SF Chronicle, research shows that the female brain naturally releases a pleasure-boosting hormone after a 20-second hug. The embrace bonds the woman to her hugger and triggers her trust circuits. [Re: Louann Brizendine's new book, The Female Brain]

Note: I'm not sure this ploy will work on married women. I tried a long hug on my wife when I arrived home yesterday, and she immediately became susp*cious: "What are you up to?"

Maybe I should have hugged her silently, rather than whispering sweet nothings in her ear: "one-hippopotamus, two-hippopotamus, three-hippopotamus..."

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know
this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm
sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female
horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith
looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about the
earth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse's ass, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like
to see her run!"

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear`s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and more...

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a more...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.' The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,' Well, how much does a brain cost?'The Doctor quickly responded,' $25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,' Why is the male brain so much more?'The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group,' It's just standard pricing procedure. more...