Female Jokes / Recent Jokes

Guy:how do you like your eggs in the morning?
woman:unfertilized
Guy:my place or yours??
Woman:both, I'll go to mine and you'll go to yours!
Guy:is this seat empty?
Woman:yeah, and this one will be if you sit down!
Guy:Hey baby whats your sign?
Woman:Do not enter
Guy:I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman:Yeah, but would you stay there?
Guy:If I saw you naked, I'd die happy!
Woman:If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Guy:Have I seen you someplace before?
Woman:Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore!
Guy:what do you do for a living?
Woman:I'm a female impersonator.
Guy:your body is like a temple!
Woman:Sorry, there are no services today.

One day, a little boy went to his father 'daddy, is God male or female?' and his father answered 'Well son, God is both male and female.'Then the boy asked 'Daddy, is God black or white?' and his father answered 'well son, God is both black and white.'Then the boy asked 'Daddy, is God gay or straight?' and his father said 'well son, God is both gay and straight.'The boy was quiet for a while and seemed to be thinking. Finally he broke the silence by saying 'Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?'

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some more...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have
a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want
to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.
His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female more...

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said,"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The goodnews is our hospital has just been certified to do braintransplants and there has been an accident right out frontand a young couple was killed and you can have whicheverbrain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100, 000. 00 and thewoman's brain costs "30, 000. 00." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a largedifference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."