Female Jokes / Recent Jokes

Written by a very wise man... I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by a more...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet."Hello?" she cried, but no answer."Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here!"

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say,' Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, more...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

WOMEN'S BRAINS COST LESS...

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.' Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' asked the relatives.' For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.'

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked,' Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?'

'A standard pricing practice,' said the head of the team,' women's brains have to be marked down because they are used.'

Q: Where do ghosts take their dirty coats?
A: To a dry-screamers.
Q: What did the phantom on guard duty outside the haunted castle say when he heard a noise?
A:' Halt! Who ghosts there?'
Q: Why was the shy ghost frightened of going to the opticians' party?
A: Because he thought he might make a spooktacle of himself.
It was a graveyard romance. Boy meets ghoul.
Q: What music do ghosts like?
A: Haunting melodies.
Q: How did the two ghosts fall in love?
A: It was love at first fright.
Q: On what day do ghosts play tricks on each other?
A: April Ghoul's Day.
Q: Where can you catch a ghost train?
A: At a mainfestation.
Q: Why did the female ghoul like demons?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What do you call a female ghost who serves drinks and food on a' plane?
A: An air ghostess.
Some years ago I tried to become a ghost writer. But I couldn't find any ghosts who wanted me to more...

I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES*
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.
The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
The female has every right to be more...