Fire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Police in Ohio USA became suspicious of a man, providing them with a urine sample for a drug test, after officers noticed the sample was cold. They were even more astounded to find that the laboratory analysis indicated that the man was also very pregnant.
A Canadian police force drove a second hand patrol car around the city for over a year before finding out that it was actually a stolen vehicle.
A salesman in Australia sold over 5,000 tickets for a Conway Twitty concert before realising the singer died five years ago. Now he has had to refund all the disappointed fans their money.
An Australian expert in social skills, who believes in the power of a firm handshake, is being sued after breaking the fingers of four of his victims.
A Buddhist monk in Cambodia has been thrown out after he was caught singing in a karaoke bar in the city.
French fire fighters were called to deal with a fire in the engine of a delivery truck, which was loaded with fire more...

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the
damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive
tank, flippers and face mask.
A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal
injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest
fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast -
some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then
flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the more...

Two Blondes were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.
The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
' You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking,' I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
' You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone,' I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was more...

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out.
When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck!"

Cesium Glows
(Tune, Love's a Rose - Neil Young)

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when it's on the tongue.
Lips full of holes, you'll know you've kissed it,
Just take a bite if you want to die young.

I want to see what's never been seen,
I want to dream that Cesium dream.
Come on love, we can glow together,
Let's eat it all right now.
Take a bite right now.

I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
Six feet deep, and twelve feet' round.
Sky blue light around me shinin',
Pale blue worms upon me dinin'.

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when its on your tongue.
Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
Gimme a spoon' cause I wanna die Young.

---Songs of Cesium #109