Five Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the more...

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye! ”
The policeman says, “Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile. ”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! ”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with? ”
Extremely frustrated at more...

While making love, the wife noticed her husband trimmed nicely and asked him who did the job. "The saloon down the corner darling" said the husband and added that the price was cheap too, only five dollars. The wife, needing a trim badly, went to the neighbourhood saloon the nest day and ordered her own trimmed. She was happy with the job and handed the man a five dollar bill. "Ten dollars lady" said the man and no less. The wife retorted saying she would pay no more than five dollars, exactly the amount her husband paid the previous day for his trim. "Oh" cried the hair cutter, "it was a man and we charge 5 dollars only from men!" The wife was aghast and asked the reason for the discrepency. The cutter laughed and said "handle lady; men give us the handle making our job easy with them!!"

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

A sailor had been on his ship for months. When he finally docked the only thing he could think of was getting laid. So off he goes to find a bordello. When he finally found one he stopped, before going in to see how much money he had. To his dismay he only found five dollars in his pocket. He figures what the hell and goes in anyway. When he gets to the front desk he says to the madam "Please have pity on me it's been months since I've had a woman and I only have five dollars, is there anything you can do for me?" The madam thinks for a minute and says "I'll let you have Olga, she's the only one that will satisfy your needs for five bucks.". So Olga takes the sailor to a room and they start to get busy, but for some reason the sailor could not get it in. He asks her "did you take your panties off?" Olga tells him that she did but she knows what the problem is.She sits up on the side of the bed and starts messing with her pussy for a few seconds, she lays more...