Four Jokes / Recent Jokes

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Uno."

One person from Utter Pradesh (UP) was in Mysore for about four years and his wife in Jaunpur (UP).

At the end of four years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this happened when our friend was in Mysore and his wife in Jaunpur.

He said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife (good samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked, "What name will you give to the son?"

To which he replied: "If it's the first neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be PAHLAJ.

If it's the second neighbour, then the name would be DWIVEDI, if it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI, if it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI and if it's the fifth neighbour PANDEY.

After listening to this, questions followed and what if it is a mixture of more...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The
accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security- check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you."

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked...

"One... two... three... four," it said, after a while.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go' four... three... two... one...?'"

I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.

Four union members were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union who said that his dog could do maths calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with cunsumate ease.

The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog was much better. His dog, named "Slide Rule", was told to fetch a dozen biscuits and divide them into four piles which Slide Rule did without problem.

The Liquor Trades members admitted that both were quite good but he felt his dog could out perform them. His dog named "Measure" was told to go and get a stubby of beer and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.

They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Waterside Worker called his dog, more...