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Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except more...
Full page ad brought back from a recent trip, taken from the British
paper The Times (Feb 4 1989).
A full page picture of Ollie North is featured, with his right arm
raised, as if swearing before a court. The subtitle is:
"With a few notable exceptions, no one can transfer money
round the world more efficiently than us."
The ad continues:
We think it's time to come clean. Girobank has been
transferring large sums of money half-way round the world
for years.
It's hardly a risky business. Our centralised
international division, with its unique links to the
entire overseas Giro network, allows business to be
conducted at maximum speed and with the minimum of
bureaucracy.
And even if your transaction should prove difficult
(as it might in Nicaragua for example) we can provide
documentary collections, letters of credit, bonds and
guarantees.
...
All in all, Girobank adds up to less hassle and more...
A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets, Do tho ticket dena,
The person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
For a gift this year a guy's wife purchased him a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when he was on the varsity chess team in high school, he decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. He called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. His wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic he was to get started. Here is his story of how the week went.
DAY 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten more...
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch more...
Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...