Gentlemen Jokes / Recent Jokes
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captainspeaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?""No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during more...
This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service: Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2, 000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter The Reply to the above: Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2, 000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways And the Counter-Reply was: Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two more...
10. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and I really don't feel life is worth living anymore.
9. We are now cruising at an altitude of... ummm..well, hell, I don't know.
8. Could someone please come up here and explain what this button does?
7. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes!!! Just kidding.
6. Would one of the flight attendants please bring me a scotch on the rocks. And keep 'em coming.
5. This is... ummmm... this is your... ummmm... damn, I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the right side of the plane, doesn't that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard Flight 109... you idiots.
2. Good Lord, Bob! We're going to crash! Ooops, is this intercom on?
1. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be on the ground in approximately 10 minutes. One way or the other.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
> Lufthansa - Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from
> the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we
> have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the
> ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation
> but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency
> and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
> non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers
> are on
> the right side of the plane" After this announcement all
> the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's
> request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
> The captain once again made an annoucement:"Ladies and Gentlemen we
> have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers more...