Gift Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow more...
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you more...
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December more...
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better more...
Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.
Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."
Tell everyone that the groom had more...
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 5. I thought we only celebrated important events? 4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift? 3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. 2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex. 1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail. .. NEVER --NEVER! !
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now more...