Gift Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Wednesday.

“Twas the night before Christmas”
(Politically Correct)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck.
How to live in a world - that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that looked darned stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to ring for the cops
When they heard loud noises upon their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had workers all frightened.
His fur-trimmed red more...

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that happened at a wedding at Clemson. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you rich folk, this is huge by middle class standards)

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail more...

The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women
(i. e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this
are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things more...

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about
it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he
wanted to give everyone a gift from him.So taped to the bottom of everyone's
chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told
them to open it.
Inside the manilla envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired
a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and more...

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides more...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100, 000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other more...