Give Jokes / Recent Jokes

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

(read with atalien accent)
I go to america and i go into a small restauraunt i ask for 2 piss of toust he only give me one piss i tell him i want a piss he sais go to the bathroom i say no no no you dont understand i want a piss on me plate he says you beter not piss on de plate you son of a bitch i dont even now the guy he call me a son of a bitch.
then i go to a fancy restauraunt and he give a spoon a knife but no fock i tell him i wanna fock he says evrybody wanna fuck i say no no no you dont understand i wanna fock on de table he say you better not fuck on de able you son of a bitch.
Then i go back to my hotel and there is no shit on de bed i tell him i wanna shit he says go to the bathroom i say no no no you dont understand i want a shit on the bed he sais you better not shit on de bed you don of a bitch.
the next morning i go to the counter he says peace to you i say piss on you to you son of a bitch im going back o italie.

It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,' Give me liberty or give me death?'"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee more...

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to more...

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

A man who suffered from impotence went to see his doctor for help. The doctor suggested he try a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands. Willing to give it a try, the man was given the injection.
Much to the man's delight, it worked. Nine months and one week later, his wife gave birth.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room to give him the news, the man excitedly asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know for sure until it comes down from the chandelier," the nurse replied.

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby."Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared.The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you can ever more...