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101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film more...

theres this first grade teacher that is teaching her students how to read. she bakes cookies for the class.
when the kids come in from recess they all sit in their seats.
the teacher asked, "does anyone want to tell me what you did at recess today?"
sally raises her hand and says, "I played in the sand box."
"Okay," said the teacher, "If you can spell sand on the board I will give you a cookie." she does it.
Ben raises his hand and says " I played in the sand box too!"
"Okay if you can spell box on the board I will give yu aa cookie." So he does it.
Mae-he Mahamid riases his hand and says (with an accent) "I wanted to play in da sand box, but ben and sally wouldnt let me."
"That is blunt racial descrimination," said the teacher, "if you can spell blunt racial descrimination on the board i will give you a cookie."

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to see his doctor. The doctor does his history and physical and discovers that the poor man has had just about every therapy known to man for his migraines, and still, there has been no improvement.
"Listen," the doctor says, "I suffer from migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't anything I learned in medical school, it's advice I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home and soak in a nice hot bathtub for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache disappears immediately. Give it a try, then come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns wearing a big grin. "Doc, you were right! I took your more...

Always be sure to give 100% on the job...
11% on Mondays
24% on Tuesdays
40% on Wednesdays
20% on Thursdays
5% on Fridays

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How more...

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!"
The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!"
The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."
The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more".
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of more...