God Jokes / Recent Jokes

A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE.
SUDDENLY YAMA (God of Death) APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY.
NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
IN HELL, HE ASKED YAMA, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.
YAMA REPLIED, " SORRY SON, MONTH END, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET.. "

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…” “What’s wrong with that, Johnny? ” the pastor asked. “Well, ” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time. ” A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…” “What’s wrong with that, Johnny? ” the pastor asked. “Well, ” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time. ”

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them. A little something to help them keep going.
***** Do you know what that E-mail said? *****

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed. The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you." God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?" The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?" God: "A man-making contest." The scientist: "Sure! No problem". The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own more...

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."

A little girl asked her father:' How did the human race appear?' The father answered,' God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered,' Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,' Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered,' Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters at high speeds. 3. The rear end wobbles too much, and4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a more...