God Jokes / Recent Jokes
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He`s had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he`s decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions. St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It`s nice and warm there this time of year." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15, 000 years ago. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto?" suggests another. "No way!" God mutters. "I went there 10, 000 years ago. Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5, 000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again." "I`ve got it," says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
"You must be joking," says more...
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million
years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity,
God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to
you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...
can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! more...
It is December 30 1999 11: 00 PM, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Boris Yeltsin appear before god. God: I have called you here with me because to my opinion you are the three most important men on earth. I want you to spread the message that I will destroy the earth on January 1. I will now send you back.......... Spread the message Boris Yeltsin: He gathers his comrades and says Friends I have bad news for us: 1) God exists 2) The world will be destroyed soon Bill Clinton: Clinton gathers his staff members and senators and says I have good news and bad news: 1) The good news is that God exists 2) The bad news is that he will destroy the world Bill Gates: Gates gathers all his managers and says I just have good news for you guys: 1) I am one of the three most important people on the planet 2) The Y2K-bug is solved
After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."
The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci doing more...
The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it
Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but more...
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.'God,' he prayed,' I really want a car.'Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.'God,' he prayed again,' I really NEED a car.'Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again,' if you ever want to see your mother again...'