Gold Jokes / Recent Jokes
So these two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks them to step forward and give their name and occupation. The first man steps up and says, "I'm Jim Walzcek, Taxi Driver.
Saint Peter reviews his list, "Ah, yes". Hands him a silk robe, hands him a gold staff and welcomes him to heaven.
The next man steps forward and says," I'm Gene Nelson and I was a Lutheran minister for 43 years".
Saint Peter reviews his list,' Ah, yes". Hands him a cotton robe, passes him a wooden staff and welcomes him to heaven.
The minister, looking a bit taken aback, says, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful but the man in front of me received silk and gold".
Saint Peter replied, "We judge by results. While you preached people slept, while he drove people prayed.
Some years ago when Bill Clinton was still President, he gave George W. Bush a tour of the White House. While there, George was amazed to find that Bill Clinton had his very own solid gold urinal! "Maybe when I'm President, I can have a gold urinal too," he thought to himself. He went back and told his wife Laura all about it. The next day, Laura Bush also visited the White House and had lunch with Hillary Clinton. During their talk, Laura mentioned the beautiful gold urinal her husband had seen in the Clinton's bathroom... but Hillary said nothing. That night when she went to bed, she told Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.
"Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says' Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo."
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says' Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo."
"Then we play for the Czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say' Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba more...
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, more...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made." Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily." Gold of course", says the man proudly! The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the more...