Goldberg Jokes / Recent Jokes
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
Mrs. Goldberg went to the doctor because she hadn't been "regular" in quite some time. The doctor examined her, found nothing unusual and attributed her problem to her diet and her age. He recommended that she take a laxative.
"Doctor," Mrs. Goldberg admonished him, "remember - I'm kosher. Whatever you prescribe for me MUST be kosher!"
"Mrs. Goldberg," he replied, "I want you to take Serutan and don't worry, it's kosher."
"You're sure, doctor? You're absolutely positive it's kosher? Because if it's not kosher, I can't take it and I'd be very upset to find out it wasn't kosher!"
"Mrs. Goldberg," the doctor assured her, "of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?"
Reassured, Mrs. Goldberg left the office. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldberg came storming into the doctor's office. "Doctor!" she screamed, "I'm so more...
Joe Goldberg, who lived in a Jewish old people's home, reached the age of 100 and all his family were gathered around him, having a party and waiting for the Queen's telemessage. Suddenly there was a knock at the door - it was the postman.
'Anyone here by the name of Joe Goldberg?' he asked. One of Joe's rich grandsons stepped forward.
'Listen,' he said to the postman. 'My grandfather sang in the synagogue choir for many years. It would mean a lot if you would sing the message to him.'
'Sorry,' said the postman, 'it's against regulations.'
The grandson took a
A little Jewish boy badly needed a new pair of shoes, but his mother was very busy, so she gave him some money and told him to go to Mr. Goldberg's shoe store down the road and buy himself a pair of shoes. "But remember" she impressed on him "you must bargain, whatever price they give, you offer them half"
So off went the little boy to the shoe store, he chose a nice pair of shoes which fitted him well and asked the price. Mr. Goldberg said " The usual price is $ 12 but for you we will make it $ 10" "No way" said the little boy " $ 5 is all they are worth " Mr. Goldberg at first protested that the shoes cost him more than that, but in the end he agreed to sell the shoes for $ 5. The little boy then said " they may be worth $ 5 but all I will pay is $ 2.50 " By then Mr. Goldberg was fed up with the whole discussion and said " You know what, sonny, as you are such a bright kid, you can have the pair of shoes for more...
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar.The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract.On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of more...
The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I`ve just been elected president, won`t you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can`t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy`s and Bloomingdale`s to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day more...