Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore.Now it just goes "tick...tick...tick."The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.Then he says in a menacing voice...Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked, "How often should you have it?"
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells,' Fuck you', and I holler back,' Fuck you too.' "

Brett Favre has become a grandfather. Or maybe he hasn't. Or maybe he has. He's still not sure.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,' Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.' The grandfather replies,' I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.' The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,' Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.' The grandfather replies,' I know. That's from your grandma.'

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldnt make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water."One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
squiffy :)

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."